sometimes i mistake you for strength. i’ve convinced myself that nothing great can be achieved without you. i’ve read books and research to confirm that. discovered theories that tell me the hours i can expect to feel you until things get better. dissected histories of people who achieved much more than i’m trying for – and they all have the common factors of endurance, will, and not surprisingly: you.
but what twists and turns did these theories take in the dark corners of my mind that made me believe your existence is a sign of greatness to come? what fallacy did i rely on to think that if greatness means having to put up with you, that your existence will result in something magical?
why did i not doubt that as soon as i felt you, i needed to dig deeper to understand where you are coming from?
why did i not remember that pain is sometimes a sign of something wrong. that putting up with your aching might lead to my destruction and nothing more?
why was i so determined to see you as a sign of promise that i couldn’t identify you for what you are doing to me?
so focused on building my strength that i thought the only way to do it is through you.
but when you come in the form of fatigue and exhaustion; when you come without the promise of reward; is that when i build more strength by ending the pain rather than enduring you?
